me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough