me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Battery falling down a hole
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.