Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?


technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?


My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs


[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME


Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.


ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot


I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.


WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?


*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
*looks up*
Well hell


Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?