I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”