
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”