@RecursiveTaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

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@WilliamRodgers

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

@scenesfromahat

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@mynameisntdave

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

@Wtftab

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

@dixoterin

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

@sonictyrant

[first trip on a cruise liner]

CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships
ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

@notviking

dentist: you need to-

me: i need to floss more?

dentist: no, you need to get out of my house. it’s 2:30am

me: [muffled behind ski mask] tooth hurty a.m.