@WilliamRodgers Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
@RecursiveTaco Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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@WilliamRodgers 
@scenesfromahat As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
@Jake_Vig Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
@NotEthanSmith_ Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
@jimmytorosian Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
@mynameisntdave Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
@Wtftab I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
@dixoterin the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
@sonictyrant [first trip on a cruise liner]
CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships
ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}
@notviking dentist: you need to-
me: i need to floss more?
dentist: no, you need to get out of my house. it’s 2:30am
me: [muffled behind ski mask] tooth hurty a.m.