@RecursiveTaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

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@Jesssicle

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@UtilityLimb

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@DanMentos

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

@Book_Krazy

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

@TheBoydP

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

@Parkerlawyer

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”