@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

@Vodkantots

Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.

@lmwortho

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@dogwoodisbest

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

@dksc4life

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

@Tommytoughstuff

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

@Bratterina

-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

@3sunzzz

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.