ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
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You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.