@Kids_kubed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

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@donni

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

@KeetPotato

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

@samdunsiger

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

@aaroncoal

I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

@StayAwayy_

My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒

@mommywhitfield

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that