Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
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[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Her: You into S&M.
Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*
Him: Oh yeah.
Him: Torture me!
Her: *plays Nickelback*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.
A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.