[first day as a robber]
me: can i have your money
me: [determined not to give up] can i have your money, please
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“I’d pap that.” – Gynecolgist
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me: you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.