Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

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[first day as a robber]

me: can i have your money

him: no

me: [determined not to give up] can i have your money, please


[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]


Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*


If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.


The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.


Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?