@Chumpstring

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

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@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@SatansTongue

*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
*Obama faints*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?

@kchees

All the single ladies put your hands up!

*handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff*

I’m your only option now.

@PyrBliss

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

@WhiteVictimacy

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

@iwearaonesie

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

@SatansTongue

“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
Shhhh
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now

@sixfootcandy

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.