ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

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No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.


*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
*Obama faints*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*


[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?


All the single ladies put your hands up!

*handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff*

I’m your only option now.


Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.


Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies


wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*


“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now


My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.