Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
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ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
they split up moments later
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.