Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function