Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*

Her. “WTF are you doing with my coat?”

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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.


Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)


*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*


Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.


It was me.


Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.


Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.


My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.


“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology