Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
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Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.