Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”