@riley_fox

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

You Might Also Like

@badbanana

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

@KentWGraham

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@Free_the_DJ

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

@offbeatoliv

It’s such bullshit that there’s no zombie apocalypse. I totally want to hit my neighbor over the head with a shovel.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time

@Carbosly

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

@Love_bug1016

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no