ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.


I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.


Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day


Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.


Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.


It’s such bullshit that there’s no zombie apocalypse. I totally want to hit my neighbor over the head with a shovel.


Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time


You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”


therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no