ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
What a year we’ve had this week.
That’s incredible! 👌
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.