me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
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Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Happy Halloween 🎃
LA today:
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.