Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Flowers bee like
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.