ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
🙋♀️
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together