Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.