Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Where is your GOD now????
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?