@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

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@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

@slimmy_shady

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

@SlimSinclair

When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.

@PaperWash

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

@CatsVsHumanity

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

@librarianfonz

My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.

@whtedaisy

Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Me: ?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.

@Yankeegiant72

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

@DonQuickoats

I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn