@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

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@Marlebean

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

@NotOnTheMoors

Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?

@dire_beard

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

@jzux

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

@Phook75

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house

@chuuew

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@fro_vo

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

@anhonestmess

This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p