@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

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@Contwixt

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

@TheHyyyype

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

@Contwixt

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

@paperphotoyo

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

@Littlest_Slobo

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”

No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.

@JustinGuarini

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

@kelly__le

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room