People who are bad at hiding, I see you
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Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
🛁
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!