Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: Time for bed
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!
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Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p