Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.


Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.


Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.


I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.


I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.


Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.



My 16 year old daughter has decided that her best friend’s mom and I need to be best friends too.

Please send help.


This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.