Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama


Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.


“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids


Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.


I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”


HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth


Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—



They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys