Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
🔦🌙👣
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Practicing safe sax
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“HELP WITH CAT”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.