@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

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@stockejock

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@primawesome

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

@KateWhineHall

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

@_salt_n_lime

I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.

@abhorrent_wife

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.

6yo: WOOOOW

@GingerHotDish

My 16 year old daughter has decided that her best friend’s mom and I need to be best friends too.

Please send help.

@emmafreud

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.