“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
this is uni
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.