me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”