me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park