ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds

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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.


A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.


Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.


me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?


Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.


Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.


Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.


THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.


My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.