Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
not to brag, but mine was free
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.