@TheHyyyype

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

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@_rubdirtonit

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

@charmfoz

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

@GoodZiIIa

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@STEELERS1972

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@flashember

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

@C00LpenNAME

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu