me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

You Might Also Like


me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal


The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.


[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby


I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.


I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.


The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*


“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu