me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu