me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*