Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.