Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home