if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Which idiot called it a vasectomy?
Rather than ‘I kid you not’
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.