@MissHavisham

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

You Might Also Like

@CornOnTheGoblin

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

@WorkaholicBlake

There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.

Unbelievable

@Quartzjixler

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@English_Channel

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

@ObscureGent

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

@briancthayer

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts