Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby