Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
You Might Also Like
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Someone just threatened to call me later
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.