i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
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My favorite Jobs:
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Its not pretty being easy.
ME *enters new password*
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
ME: *rage opens Oreos*