me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies