me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Print is alive and well!!!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m about to risk it all
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Well, that should do it
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that