Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…