Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.