[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
that colleague who touches your screen
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet