Dance like nobody’s watching you.
‘Cause they’re not.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
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TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
All Day At Night
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day