Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
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30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Festive toon…
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
😅😅😅
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business