@SondraDeeMe

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

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@VanVeenB

Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~

@dave_cactus

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

@urmumsausername

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

@kelkulus

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

@VodkaTiem

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

@wolfpupy

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day