Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point