Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
#math
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count