@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me:…
Dr:…
Me: Let’s start this again.

You Might Also Like

@moose_chocolate

I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!

@bourgeoisalien

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

@IndecisiveJones

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

@HenpeckedHal

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

@MatthewACherry

Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.

@lisaOoOo

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

@SemFitty

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.