Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.

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I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!


I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.


if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt


Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.


I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.


Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.


I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.


her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side


Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.