Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.

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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.


911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”


ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*


there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u


I’m a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math


Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer


My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.


I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”


[spelling bee]

Teacher: Your word is indictment.

Me: Can you use that in a sentence?

Teacher: Yes, I can use indictment in a sentence.