I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I’m a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Teacher: Your word is indictment.
Me: Can you use that in a sentence?
Teacher: Yes, I can use indictment in a sentence.