Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
incredible text to wake up to
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”