Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”