ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
You Might Also Like
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind