Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on