Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

You Might Also Like


Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…


[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?


When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.


When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..


ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY


HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*


“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”


I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”