Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Wise advice
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Why am I like this?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
This is a true ally.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards