89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
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I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
23. the denim jacket
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I’m already scared
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?