Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
God, I love Scotland