[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.


Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.


Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.


My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.


[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect


her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin



me: i’m taking a plane, Karen


Husband: What’s in the Amazon package?

Me: It’s a surprise.



H: You forgot what you ordered?

Me: I forgot what I ordered.


Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house