Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.