Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

💀💀

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.